Morning Thoughts with Alice, #19

I’m a little tired of political talk, so I thought I’d write about something more pleasant – colonoscopies.

Take note you young people, your doctor will start nagging you about getting a baseline colonoscopy when you start getting close to 50. Some doctors are easier to put off than others, but eventually, and for your own sake, you will give in and have it scheduled.

I made it to 51. Now I’m surrendering.

The colonoscopy (hereafter referred to as “the procedure”) is scheduled for a week from today. Oh goody.

It’s not the procedure itself I’m dreading so much – I’ve heard you go into a room, get an IV and then you wake up. Boom. And I’m not really worried about the findings. It’s the prep that has me less than thrilled.

The day before the procedure you can’t eat any solid food. I like solid food. And I like it regularly. And by regularly I mean “whenever I want it.” Hunger and I have never been friends.

I’m one of those people who shrivel up when they miss a meal. I feel like my life is ebbing away. My mood goes down hill fast, my energy vanishes, and my stomach hurts like it’s twisting in knots. This isn’t new, I’ve always had a hard time when I get hungry. The good news here is that I’d be the first to go during a famine. Less suffering in the long run. See, I can find a bright side to anything!

So I’m going to do my best to fill up on jello and clear broth on prep day. I think I can only eat up to a certain point that day. Maybe it’s noon… I’ll have to check.

The second thing that has me less than thrilled is the cleansing part of the prep. The amount of laxative you have to take is ridiculous. What am I, an elephant? Perhaps they don’t understand that I have a delicate system? In my mind they are trying to water a daisy with a fire hose. I don’t see this going well.

But fine, I’ll do this and get it over with. My plan is that I will never have to do it again. But if I do, I’ll be praying for a famine.

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