Sometimes it feels like I’m waiting for a voice from heaven to tell me what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s a lot of work sorting out all the other voices; mine, my parents’, my family’s, my friends’, my enemies’, tv, movies, internet, books. So many voices to heed or filter.
Actually, I like some voices telling me what to do. I can sort my emotions better when people give me advice. For instance, if a person’s advice makes me really angry, I know I do NOT want to do the thing they are suggesting. Then I can analyze it from there. Am I resisting something good for me, or are they full of soup? It helps to have something to react against.
As far as my “what am I suppose to be doing” questions, it’s not so much life-goal stuff, the big big stuff, and it’s not so much the little things, like what am I supposed to be doing this afternoon. It’s the medium stuff. How do I do what I feel called to do? What medium do I use to do what I do? Yes, that’s the real question.
And frankly, I just don’t know. I’m a bit immobile with the not knowing. I think there are just too many voices to react to right now. At times I’d like to throw up my hands and say, “Hey world, I’ll be over here in my garden. Holler if you need me.” But that goes against the Big Stuff I feel like I should be doing.
Or does it?
Maybe I need a nice long vacation. In my garden. Holler if you need me.