Hunger

What’s your affirmation to productivity ratio? That is, how many pats on the back does it take for you to overcome self-doubt? How about your hugs to safety ratio? Do you feel safe right now? Are you being hugged at this moment?

It can be said about me that I have a ferocious appetite. In fact, it often is said about me. I’m either starved, or eating.

Likewise, I’m either in my husband’s arms, or feeling needy. I’m either hearing a compliment, or fretting over my worth, etc.

Okay, I am exaggerating somewhat. But I do feel extremes, and my mind forgets today the reassurings of yesterday. Is it because of my lack of faith? Am I an ultra super needy person? Perhaps. But I have found an upside to my constant neediness: I’m constantly aware of my neediness.

That doesn’t sound like much of an upside, does it? But it is.

For instance, if your doctor told you that you had chronic anemia and needed daily iron supplements to function well, you would likely take your supplements every day, because that’s what the doctor said the lab results determined.

However, some days when you are feeling especially good you may think, I don’t really need my iron pills. I’m feeling good. So you skip it. Maybe you skip it for a week. Then the next thing you know you are dragging around the house. And you realize, Oh, dear, I’d better take my iron. It’s good that you felt badly because it made you realize your neediness.

Okay, who gives a flying fig about the whole iron analogy? I don’t. What I’m saying is my hunger reminds me that nothing on this planet can fill me completely. It cannot. There is a “chronic disconnect” in this world. I have to rely on the unseen, the spiritual. I have to remember what has already been declared about me.

No one can stay in someone’s arms every minute of the day. No one can have someone following them around telling them how great they are all the time. And no one can eat constantly and stay healthy. Sometimes it’s just you and your day and your needs. Your hunger.

But that’s not all bad. In fact, I think there is probably something wrong with being 100% satisfied with 100% of your life and %100 of this world. How can you rub shoulders with any other human and not feel some of their pain, some of their griefs? And if you try to isolate yourself, you’re still stuck with your own fallibility. Perfection and satisfaction are rotten goals. Like trying to catch your shadow as it walks in front of you.

Right now my goal is to be content with not always being content. I’m going to being thankful for both – the full, satisfying moments and the hungry, longing moments. I guess that means being thankful in everything.

Contentment is messy.

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