I was talking to a friend the other day about myself (my favorite topic), and was trying to define this season of my life. I think the best description would be Reconstruction. I’m reconstructing.
I feel like a lot of my life has been leveled, and now I’m putting the buildings back up. But the question is, which buildings do I build? And which do I let lie in rubble? Because you know, there is a time to gather stones and a time to scatter them.
I need a blueprint. But since I don’t have one, I’ll just categorize and try to make some order of my thoughts. Read on if you wish.
First, the spiritual. What do I believe? What do I still believe? What do I believe even more? I love those questions! I’ll tackle the answers in another post. But to be brief I’ll respond by saying I believe what is stated in the Apostles’ Creed, and not a whole lot more.
Next, family. Wow. That’s a skyscraper, that one. From wanting to maintain my very special relationships with my kids, to becoming a better daughter to my parents, there are rooms that need a little dusting, and there rooms, and whole floors, that need complete do-overs.
My daughtering is a do-over. Actually, since we can’t go back in time, let’s call it a complete renovation. Parents don’t have the privilege of re-writing history, and daughters don’t have the privilege of renouncing their duties. Well, this daughter doesn’t. So, rolling up my sleeves, this daughter has some work to do. I’m going to need help.
Social. Meaning, other than family. This one is going to be fun. How many friendships do you have that are one sided? How many people do you send notes to or plan get-togethers with and get stood up? I’m not talking about the occasional goof – I’m talking about a pattern of one-sidedness. Guess how many I have. None!! Guess how many I used to have. Too many. I think there are enough people in the world who need friends that I don’t have to allow myself to be treated like extra baggage. In fact, please DON’T be my friend if I feel like extra baggage! That wouldn’t do any of us any good.
That was fun. Maybe too much fun….
Okay next up, the love life. Meaning, the husband. So much to learn about healthy love. So much to give, so much to get. I don’t want to fall into my old protective patterns and fear-based speech. I won’t do it. But it takes intentionality. Because old habits die hard. Meanwhile, I savor every hug and every kiss. Love is good.
Church. Yeah, that one is actually different in my mind than spirituality. Maybe it shouldn’t be. But right now it is. Church, to me, feels like the outward obligations I have to my inward spiritual beliefs. So, what I believe about God should also be reflected in my church life. Sounds obvious, but it’s easy to make disconnects.
That said, I still don’t want to work in Vacation Bible School.
But VBS isn’t really the issue here. The real issue is “ministry”. Gah! The word makes my throat swell.
Maybe I’m jaded from having grown up in church. My dad was a pastor for a while. I’ve been in church. I’ve seen church done in many ways. I’ve seen so many programs and ministries come and go I can’t even count them. I’ve put energy into things that have never panned out, and things that probably should have, but were kept alive for some reason of habit or addiction that we have toward our church stuff. That said, I’ve also gained tremendously from ministries and programs…
So here’s where I’m standing on church. I will go when I can on Sunday morning. Everything else, God has to build. There’s an empty lot. He can build it. He may need to clear off some of the debris first, but that’s okay. Have at it, God!
I think that about sums everything up. I may be leaving some compartments out. Time will tell.
Hey, thanks for reading. Compartmentalizing has been fun. I know in reality every day is Day One. In this season of my life it feels especially so. The bulldozers have done some work, let me tell you! But I’m looking forward to a new sklyline.